blog-07212024-!

Neocities home.

go back to home.

Always the feeling of wanting to sit and put things together in words but I can not when it comes to analyzing my own actions fr on paper. Moods of the day are: ted lasso, outlines, girthy beaches, objects in the mirror, cheese sauce 2x, rotting, ronald mcdonald, ..... now prob my slumber chamber that needs cleaning, yiayia, field day memories, evil energy through an eleventh graders third eye, Sea Power, pirates....always pirates in the end. i watch both cwbp and jujuksn finales last night; good timing.


Tears and Fluids are overall theme.
skullsbanner

blog entry #2

This image is how I feel today. Going into Greece I want to be present but it is difficult when I am distracted by made-up games and confusing wants. Don't get me wrong: I am very excited. Am I a productive member of the PMC? (@Catherine Liu on yt). Answer: Not possible really by it's definition anyway, but I am only practicing right now-actually I would argue I am a pretty solid agent of insurgency in this regard. Lol.

Currently reading Delany's Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand, A New History for Humanity, and maybe I will find a nice little fiction book for the plane from anna's archive(insert heart bursting emoji here). I think I am done with For All Mankind after season one. Currently watching Bad Monkey, Slow Horses, Samurai Champloo, ~Midnight Family, anddd .... ?

3/2/2025 2:55 am

I do not understand. If I had gone to that formal, would things really be different? What do you expect me to do?

Cruncy does not have the guts unfortunately.

I hate you. I used to have the guts. And after meeting you I turned into a real shit to the only people that tolerated me and now I trust nobody. "You need a community." "Community's the most important." All I ever do is make the wrong choice because I make them alone. I feel sick and used. I feel I feel I feel. On and on. All there is left for me to do is to write some impressive stories on my own and put them out there. And read. Turning 22 years old and I am corroding--the only thing that prevents me from losing it all is the metaphysical safety net installed around me. Lol. Sad little petite little bourgeiosie.

Okay, sure, I'll admit. From one point of view, I am a horrible friend for letting a relation continue that is only festering and fraying. But you don't. Even try to actually see my side. And I hate that I have hate, that I am bitter. Because I am not, deep down. Maybe I am just empty inside.

And why wasn't it my instinct to say one way or the other--who my "oop" is? YOU TELL ME. I stick out like a sore thumb because I don't have a tribe. Belonging? Yeah, I got none. Just longing. So my Being is pretty pathetic. The tribal drive and the erotic drive are the only two things I care about--and the words just about spit back in my face for lack of experience--for lack of having known me. I know there is sin in my heart. But how can I "forgive" myself and just move on when I know I'm not the last?

What have you learned in this exchange? To not trust others like me? To stay away from me? I am ill? What are you even still doing here then?? (end: 3:36am)